Relationship expert reveals to find secrets "the man"

Interview with Steve Nakamoto

Author of "Dating Rocks!: The 21 Smartest Moves Women Make for Love"

Reader Views' Managing Editor, Irene Watson, speaks with Steve Nakamoto.

Irene: Tell me about yourself and what inspired you to write a book for women.

Steve: Several years ago I thought that I had met the "love of my life." That relationship took a radical turn when the woman I loved met another man whom she later married. That was enough to jolt me into thinking more seriously about what really happens to people in romantic love relationships.

At about the same time, I was attending workshops and seminars on personal development and ran across the work of motivational expert Tony Robbins. I joined Mr. Robbins' organization as a seminar trainer and became well-versed in the studies of unconscious communication, goal achievement, and life mastery.

One of the things that I found both fascinating and humorous was how advanced communication strategies worked in the dating world. About that time I went on a social rampage where I went on over 25 Club Med vacations and 20 singles cruises. That was when I thought about writing a book about my dating/social adventures using the things that I had learned as a trainer for Tony Robbins.

Dating Rocks! is my second book. It is the result of over 225 radio and television interviews, 2 years of experience serving as iVillage.com's dating expert for the "Ask Mr. Answer Man" message board, and an additional 5 years of experience of dealing with dating/love/relationship issues.

Irene: 240 pages seems like a lot of information that women need to know. Tell me some of the things that you tell women in the preparation phase before dating?

Steve: Some of the smart dating moves that precede actually finding a man involve: 1) loving yourself first, 2) finding and fixing any personal blind spots, and 3) getting rid of any negative emotional baggage from the past.

Many failures that women experience can be traced back to this pre-phase where low self-esteem or bad attitudes from the past ruin a woman's chances for successful dating and love. So it's important that women take a closer look at these issues if recurring problems show up in her relationships.

Irene: Tell me some of the things that you tell women they should do to find a man

Steve: Once a woman has taken care of the before-mentioned prerequisites, she can begin moving forward in her search for the right man. In this stage, some smart dating moves include: 1) making herself attractive to a man, 2) avoiding losing love candidates, 3) staying clear of low-percentage relationship situations, 4) learning vital people skills, 5) learning how to excel at small talk, 6) becoming an outstanding listener, and 7) meeting men while they are involved in worthwhile activities or through a network of friends.

The next stage is about the actual dating process and includes: 1) interacting so that a man would feel comfortable asking a woman out for a date, 2) controlling the pace and direction of the dating process, and 3) gauging accurately how well the two to them click.

Irene: And, how about how to keep him?

Steve: You can only keep a man if the romantic chemistry and emotional maturity are both high. You also have to adjust his role to fit his priorities and level of desire. Then it's a matter of managing a woman's upsets, expanded the relationship into other areas of growth, maintaining an unlimited attitude of gratitude, and creating certainty and trust in the relationship.

These may seem like big concepts, but each one can be broken down into simple, everyday acts of kindness and understanding that any person can practice in their romantic love relationships.

Irene: Are these your own personal opinions or did you gather information from others?

Steve: I read a lot of dating/relationship opinions while I'm serving as the "Mr. Answer Man" for iVillage.com. But my base of knowledge comes from the seminars that I attended many years ago with relationship experts John Gray, Barbara DeAngelis, and Dr. Warren Farrell, as well as personal development/communication trainings with Jim Rohn, Tony Robbins, Mark Victor Hansen, and the Dale Carnegie organization.

So while my observations are my own personal opinions, they are well-grounded on concepts that I borrowed from experts that I highly regard.

Irene: You mentioned your studies with masters like Tony Robbins. How much influence has he had on some of the writing in your book?

Steve: Tony Robbins had more influence on my personal development than any other person or organization. I served for seven years as a personal development trainer doing intense seminars in Cancun, Hawaii, and the western United States.

Mr. Robbins' provided me with the motivation to write a book. My understanding of a key concept called "global metaphors" was a vital reason why I was able to write my first book, Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man. Almost all of my psychology background was learned through Mr. Robbins' advanced seminars which were part of the trainers' training. I simply took the concepts that I learned from his seminars and applied them to the unique and largely untested field of dating.

Irene: You are a dating and relationship expert on an online discussion board. What is the most common issue that women share with men?

Steve: Both men and women are frustrated in their search for the "one." They both want a relationship with mutually high romantic chemistry, emotional maturity, and compatibility. But men seem to have more problems in maintaining high romantic chemistry with the women they fall for. Men also have more challenges in developing emotional maturity whereas women generally do not.

Irene: What challenges do women face more so than men?

Steve: Women have more challenges with self-esteem issues than men. They also seem to put more significance on love relationship and therefore, put more pressure on the situation in order to make it happen. It seems like men and women will often be out of rapport with each other because the woman needs a love relationship for fulfilling a wide variety of emotional needs. A man, on the other hand, wants love more for the enjoyment of being with a woman. A man can get his other emotional needs filled through his work, friends, and individual hobbies/sports.

Irene: How much of relationships are modeled after what people see on TV or in the movies?

Steve: People in their 20's and teens are greatly influenced by their peer group. Major media (television, movies, commercials, music) has a lot of power in conditioning people into what is considered attractive and what love should be like. But there are such a wide variety of movies out there that a balance can be struck between fantasy and reality when it comes to love relationships. But largely, the media tries more to sell the public on the idea of "love at first sight" as the more desired model for romantic relationships.

Irene: What area do you think is the most modeled after?

Steve: For women, media seems to influence the need to look skinny (except on top) and to wear certain types of sexy clothing in order to be physically desirable to men. It seems like the over-emphasis is on appealing to men in a sexual way.

For men, it seems like the need to be financially successful (Donald Trump) or to be physically strong/tough (athletes, rap music) as the best way to impress women.

The media also seems to focus a lot these days on celebrity break-ups and divorces which causes people to be less hopeful for lasting love relationships in their own lives. It almost appears that getting married is less of a commitment and more like a modern-day way to "going steady".....at least in Tinsel town.

Irene: What is a healthy relationship in your opinion?

Steve: A healthy love relationship has high levels of mutual romantic chemistry, emotional maturity, and compatibility. It has the side-effect of building mutual high self-esteem.

A healthy relationship reinforces the values of honesty, trust, commitment, caring, and giving. And bottom line, a healthy relationship is one that I believe: 1) feels good, 2) is good for each person, 3) serves a greater good, and 4) the Heavens are smiling and blessing the relationship.

Irene: I'm sure the reading audience wants to know if you are in a permanent relationship now?

Steve: Actually I get asked about this quite often. Yes, I am in a wonderful relationship with a woman I met a few years ago at a Dating Dinner. She's a partner in a law firm and is actually a very busy person with tons of responsibility. She's also read both of my books and has contributed her ideas from time-to-time. I really like her diversity in that she is obviously very intelligent and professional, but she can be just like a high school girlfriend when it comes to having fun. Our best times together in my opinion are the vacations that we've been on. That way, we both can get away and relax. I think it's important for busy couples to plan time away together so that they have something great to look forward to.

Irene: Thank you Steve, is there anything else that you want your reading audience to know about you or your book?

Steve: If people want to check out my book, I've got a sample of all 21 smart love moves for free on my website, http://www.DatingRocks.com . I practically give all the information away on this website, but the book itself is a more pleasurable experience with the cartoons, illustrations, quotations, and stories.

As a bonus for all of you who have spent the time to read this interview, I giving away a free 25 page special report which you can get by simply sending an email request to tips@menarelikefish.com .

Irene Watson is the Managing Editor of Reader Views, a book review service based in Austin, Texas. http://www.readerviews.com