In the 1800's the immortal Mona Lisa was stolen from its home in a Paris museum. It was not recovered for a number of months. Incredibly more people came to see the empty nail than had come to see the actual painting! There is something about human nature that tends to focus upon the negative. We see it in culture, in churches, in politics, in the media, and sadly in relationships. Focusing upon what is not the way we want it to be is very often a toxic endeavor. The reality is that we all have to fight against confirmation bias; which is simply the process whereby we find evidence to support our beliefs by using selective perception that emphasizes the bad and ignores the good.
It is estimated that only about 25% of couples rate their marriages as truly fulfilling, this out of the 50% that don't end in divorce. I want to take a few moments and share some research that shows what detracts from the health of relationships as well as what increases the joy and passion in the healthiest marriages. In the process we will consider some of the negative things that couples focus upon and how to have a much better approach.
Rob Bell has a great video entitled 'Flame' that is worth checking out. He goes into a fascinating discussion about three of the many words found in scripture that are translated as "love." In short the three terms describe friendship, committed relationships and sex. If any of these is missing from a marriage trouble is not far behind.
For instance, if couples are friends but there is no commitment and no sex, they are really just roommates. If there is commitment but no friendship or sex, they are just holding on for the sake of holding on. (You see these couples everywhere in restaurants staring blankly at their food and unaware of the person sitting next to them.) And lastly, if there is sex but no commitment or no relationship, then you simply have two bodies engaged in a physical and empty act. However, where these three expressions of love thrive, so do marriages.
It is important to have an understanding of one another so these three types of love can prosper from a deep appreciation for the differences and similarities between men and women. Not experiencing your spouse as a friend or lover? Perhaps you are breaking some of the following rules and failing to understand what makes men and women so different.
Consider the seemingly simple act of talking for a moment. Biological studies show that women use approximately 40% more brain connectors than men, which means they are mentally more able to focus upon multiple tasks. One of the most common things wives complain about is that their husbands don't listen to them. I am not trying to let inattentive husbands off the hook by any means, but the reality is that there is a strong chance that biologically your husband doesn't hear you if you are talking while he is deeply engaged in another activity. Be sure you have his attention before relaying important information. For men, it is important to give your wife full attention instead of going into a trance in front of the television or car engine or anything else. In the end some simple changes will save both of you a lot of frustration.
Secondly, women often complain that "he doesn't talk to me." Again, this is not a free pass to insensitive men, but the reality is that men use about 20,000 words per day, whereas women use 40,000. On the flip side of this argument men sometimes complain that their wives always want to talk and they don't get enough quiet time. When both parties can understand there is a physiological difference that is inbuilt, they can make adjustments from compassion and understanding instead of upset.
Speaking of communication, there are patterns of behavior that we understand after decades of relational research. One of my professors Norman Wright notes some of the most bothersome statements that men and women make to one another. Take a moment and consider if you and your spouse use these statements. If you do, then recognize how toxic they really are and instead find different ways of communicating your feelings.
Bothersome Statements Men Make To Women:
1. You don't know what you are talking about.
2. I'll do it later.
3. You don't understand.
4. That makes no sense at all.
5. Where'd you get that idea?
6. Don't be so emotional.
7. It cost too much, didn't you check.
8. You are just like your mother.
Bothersome Statements Women Make To Men:
1. I'll be ready in a minute.
2. Ask for directions.
3. Do you want me to repeat myself?
4. If you would have listened the first time.
5. Turn off the TV when I am talking to you.
6. You have a one track mind.
7. Don't you care?
8. The kids learned that from you.
9. You weren't like that before we got married.
Again, the important thing is not to point out your partners failings in these areas as much as it is to together examine where both parties can do things differently in the marriage. This is not the time for pride or one-upmanship, but for compassionately considering where your have been and how you have gotten to where you are, for better or worse. Indeed, some people are so ego driven they believe, "If I were any better I'd be twins." But in marriage we need to lay down our weapons and see how things can become more fulfilling and loving.
So take a few moments and examine the statements above and how often you share these same thoughts, be it vocally or silently to yourself. Also consider the biological differences between men and women and how you can bridge this gap in a way that is win-win for you and your spouse.
Lastly, here are three great questions to ask one another that will help uncover deeper feelings between the two of you. Along with examining the above list, ask your spouse the following questions when the time is appropriate and you both agree that the moment is right for this conversation.
Question one is simply, 'what am I doing that I need to stop doing?' Both husband and wife need to receive the answer with an open mind, and the giver of the answer needs to deliver their message with grace and love.
Secondly, ask 'what am I not doing that you want me to start doing?' Find creative ways to meet the needs that are relayed in this simple but insightful dialogue.
And lastly, ask 'what am I doing that you want me to keep doing?' Here is where it is important to focus upon all the good that is happening in your relationship. Again, so many focus upon the negative, but we need to closely manage our toxic thoughts.
A powerful exercise for those who are in a very difficult time in their marriage is to take the next 72 hours and have each partner write down everything good they notice their spouses doing. Each person keeps this list private until the time period has expired, and then they share their lists with one another. This exercise will train your mind to see the bigger picture. And by write down everything I mean everything. If your spouse brushes their teeth, gets to work on time, takes out the trash, gives a compliment, smells good, anything and everything you can find no matter how seemingly insignificant needs to be listed.
It is far easier to notice the negatives; we have unfortunately learned this as a defense mechanism after years of watching everyone else around us do the same thing. But doing what everyone else is doing is perhaps one of the biggest mistakes that people make.
Want to have a thriving relationship? Then consider your friendship with your spouse, your commitment level and your sex life. Take the principles given here and apply them to your relationship, even if you are the only one that participates at first. I can guarantee you will see results and experience a much healthier marriage.
A former pastor, Tobin holds both a B.A. and an M.A. in theology. Having traveled widely in the Marine Corps and as a graduate student, Tobin has spent the past 15 years gathering some of the world's most powerful life-changing truths. He's the author of The Life That Is Really Life: How Biblical Truth Can Transform Your Spiritual, Emotional, Physical and Relational Health, available at twominutesermon.com
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