Find Love, Keep Love, by Managing Anxiety Better

Over-reactivity drives other people away. Over-reactivity loses jobs, ruins marriages, lands a large number of people in prison, ends friendships, and even results destroying careers for talented artists and athletes.

What is over-reactivity? You are being over-reactive anytime your response to a situation is at a higher alert level than a situation requires. You are being over-reactive when you lose your "choice" over your emotions. You are being over-reactive when your responses are predictable. You are being over-reactive when you are using emotional blackmail to control another person in an exchange.

Let's begin with how over-reactivity is not attractive. "I really love her, but I'm worn out," the husband said. "The slightest thing goes wrong, even a little bit not the way she planned, and the whole day can be ruined." The wife said, "I can't help it. I'm a very sensitive person." "Sensitivity" and exaggerated emotional responses are often viewed as the same thing, but they are not. Sensitivity is your capacity to take in the beauty and amazing features of our world and the people around us. Exaggerated emotional responses have nothing to do with appreciating beauty.

If you watch a group of lab animals with different levels of anxiety response to minor traumas, you will note that the over-anxious animals end up by themselves. There may be an initial rallying to help the over-reacting animal, but eventually, the other animals tire and need to return to managing their own survival. The same happens with people. A man or woman may marry an "over-reactor," trying to that person's "rock" or savior. After a few years that role wears out. Loving an over-reactor doesn't change them.

What's the solution? Each and every one of us must take on responsibility for our personal reactivity. Love is unconditional, but time and attention are not. If you allow reactivity to control your life, other people will begin to fear or dread being with you, because, since you do not take responsibility for your reactivity, they cannot depend on having a pleasant time with you.

How can you improve your style of responding? How can you be more in charge of your anxiety? These questions will be addressed in the next article.

Barbara Rice DeShong, Ph.D.
A Psychologist on the Loose
http://www.mysteryshrink.com

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