Commitment - How to Tell What You're Really Committed To, in Love and Relationships Part 1

There are a lot of articles lately on the subject of commitment in relationships and love. There are entire e-courses written for men and women, who are struggling to find fulfillment in their relationships and romance, knowing that commitment is often missing or fleeting. But, we all have a sense, that commitment is something we really want, but often find difficult to achieve. There are many reasons, and, in this first article on this topic I will explore this area.

But, I want you to consider that one of the most basic steps toward achieving commitment in either romance, love or any other are of your life, is to be able to distinguish what you're already committed to. Often, we fool ourselves into believing that we are committed to something, but the results suggest something quite different, and that's the disconnect -- and the source of the results you're getting. You may say/believe that you are committed to finding the love of your life and really making that relationship work, but, if you look, you have really not spent the time it takes to date, make contacts on an on-line dating website or even smile at the opposite sex when you are out in the world. In this case, I assert, you've been fooling yourself, and if you really want power and results, it pays to first, tell the truth to yourself. Why does that give you power? Because in telling the truth, you can stop the pretense that's robbed you of the results you want. It's the pretense that we keep up, that keeps us from getting results. How can you get great results if you're essentially telling yourself a lie? There's little integrity in it. Sometimes, we fool ourselves to protect us from being hurt again, or from pain. It's a natural human behavior, but it's also counterproductive. It doesn't work and you keep getting the same result.

So, here is the simple acid test for determining what you're committed to, and there will be many who will disagree with this. But, I also assert, if you disagree with the following, you should consider that you may be one of those people who have been fooling themselves, and it's time to be straight with yourself, if you want the results you say you want.

SO: How you tell what you've been committed to, is to take a look at what you've got. Yup. Right now. If you say you're committed to being in a relationship, take a look back over the last 3-10 years. How many have you been in? How long have they lasted? If the answer is on the side of "none," I suggest that you've been committed to something entirely different: You've been committed to being safe, not getting hurt and not taking risks. Perhaps you HAVE been in relationships, but they have all ended without a long term commitment. In this case, maybe you've been committed to being in a relationship that's sufficient, but you've not been willing to do whatever it took to make it work and have the satisfaction you yearn for, or deal with REAL commitment. If you're committed to on-line dating, how many emails have you sent, unsolicited? How many IMs have you sent? If the number is low, consider there's no real commitment there. If you're waiting for someone to find YOU, then be prepared to extend the time in which you'll find someone. And, that may be OK with you. Everyone has their own pace. But, in this article, I am assuming that you actually DO want to find a long lasting, satisfying relationship soon, or you wouldn't be reading this far.

How do I know this? I take a look at myself. I have been in two relationships with great women in the last six years. One lasted four years, and then, the other, one year. In the first, I tried and tried to have her be committed, but I could never achieve that. In fact, I got angry and made her the "bad guy" for not committing. BUT - what I really achieved was keeping her from being committed, by being someone who was angry about her lack of commitment, which provided no space at all for her to commit.

What I saw, in retrospect, is that I became angry because I was simply scared, believing that she would never be behind me, and never embrace me as her lover or husband. I subconsciously sabotaged her commitment! And, my actions kept the relationship safe, and while exclusive, there was no real commitment other than to be together and safely not fully committed. Insidious, isn't it? When you see women who have affairs with married men, there is a commitment to be related and intimate, but NOT to have to be truly committed in a situation where you have to give yourself fully and expect all the same in return. It's a SAFE relationship, designed to minimize emotional risk. It works for someone who's been previously hurt, but not for long. Ultimately, it keeps you from getting what you want. True love.

So, here is what there is for you to do with this information: Take a look at an area of your life, your romances, your relationships, where you are not having satisfaction or results. On a piece of paper, write down what you SAY you're committed to. And then, under that, write down the results of what you've HAD. The bottom notes are REALLY what you're committed to, under the guise of wanting the top. There are reasons why you've been acting that way, and I'll uncover these reasons next. But I'll give you one hint. It's a four letter word starting with an F and ending with an R. And, your next step will be to find out what you're afraid of, if you want to really have an impact on this area. As always, I believe that, the truth will set you free. You just have to distinguish it and then take action, whether that be communicating or otherwise.

By the way, this principle also applies to anywhere in life where you're not getting what you want. Examine the areas where you're not getting results and do the exercise above.

Dan Robertson has led seminars and coached hundreds of people in gaining more satisfaction and productivity in their lives. He is currently writing a series on commitment and dating, which will be released as an e-book and course in the near future. As a professional market researcher, he has conducted thousands of focus groups around the world dealing with people's perceptions, and has a degree in sociology.