To Get Love, Love Yourself First

Self-confidence is attractive. Self-doubt is repelling. No one wants to feel trapped in a downward well, which is what happens when we dump our worries into a relationship. Our special other may see our revelations, at first, as courage, as our being honest and trusting them with our inner-most selves. As time goes on, however, our special other will tire and begin to withdraw.

To start with, not being able to help someone we love is very defeating for the helper. No other person, no matter how much they love us, can ever convince us of our own lovability. In this culture we expect a lot of relationships; we even expect that if someone really loves us, that love will somehow break through our habitual ways of thinking about ourselves. We expect love to chase away our insecurities, which, in the beginning, love does in a way. The euphoria of infatuation propels us past many of our usual roadblocks. The problem comes in when infatuation fades and self-doubts re-emerge.

Making matters worse, with our overstated belief in what love can do, when we no longer feel that special sort of "invincible" we felt at first in a relationship, we often blame the other for our changed sense of self. We say, "If you loved me I wouldn't feel this way," or "If you told me more often how much you love me, I wouldn't doubt myself." Sometimes we even set up comparisons to put ourselves down and frustrate our special persons, saying things such as, "You treat you friends better than you do me," or "You don't love me the way you love your family."

These are ways we point out, again, to our special person-that we are not confident in ourselves and we are not taking responsibility for getting confident. Try saying this once in a while: "Sometimes I think about how much I love you and I realize that your love for me is strong. And (wink), that makes sense. I have my downside, but I'm a great package!"

Barbara Rice DeShong, Ph.D.
A Psychologist on the Loose
MysteryShrink is my way of paying forward using my clinical experience and writing with humor. Come join the fun and change you life.
http://www.mysteryshrink.com