Questions You Ask Yourself Help You Develop Self-Awareness and Succeed With Your Relationships

The American philosopher John Dewey stated: "A question well-phrased provides half the answer" .

As you embark on the Self-Awareness process and begin to observe yourself, asking and answering questions will help you focus and pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, attitude, reactions and behaviors and enable you to understand how they drive you to sabotage your relationships. It is quite likely that you haven't asked yourself these questions before.

To help you with the process, I list here sample-questions you can begin asking yourself. Add as many others as you go along. The more honest you are in answering them, the more insights you will gain and the ways in which you harm your relationships.

1. Questions about yourself

* How do I usually behave when having a relationship:

- Am I authentic?

- Am I open and honest with my partner(s), or closed and cautious, afraid of being hurt?

- Am I true to myself and behave in ways that feel right to me? Or do I tend to sacrifice myself "for the sake of the relationship"?

* Do I tend to get into relationships due to the fear of being alone? If so, does it drive me to enter a relationship with whoever asks me out?

* Do I feel there is something I would like to change about myself, but are afraid to, or don't know how? If so, what is this "something"?

* When problems and conflicts arise in my relationships, how do I cope with them:

- Am I aggressive, feeling that I am always "right"?

- Am I submissive?

- Am I too compromising?

* What, in my opinion, drives me to behave the way I do?

* Do I see myself as a person who "gives space" to my partner? If so, do I know whether it comes out of appreciation of his/her own space, out of an attitude regarding life and relationships, or out of my fear of commitment? (Each one of these might influence differently the ways in which you behave with your partner or with being single).

* Do I perceive myself as a person that never says NO? If so, is it because I am "accommodating", or because my need for love drives me to avoid being rejected in all costs? Or -

* Do I perceive myself as a person who always negate what my partner wants and says? If so, what drives me to doing so?

* Do I see myself as a person who has "much love" to offer and therefore desire (and demands!) much closeness? Or could it be that my behavior is driven by dependency and neediness?

* Do I see myself as a person who "loves so much" and therefore tend to do everything for my partner? Or could it be that my behavior is driven by the fear of being rejected and abandoned?

* Could it be that "loving so much" actually originates from me being a controlling person who need to decide about and be involved with everything related to my partner?

* Do I see myself as a person who perceive my way of "doing things" as always the right way?

* And other questions related to your own issues that you can you come up with.

As you see, there could be different reasons for the way you behave. When you become aware of your behaviors and identify where they originate from you can better understand how you sabotage your relationships.

2. Questions about your relationship failures

* Do you think that the way you handle yourself in relationships is fine, and not having a satisfying relationship until now results from not having met "the right person" yet?

* Is it possible that you have been hurt in past relationships and are now so cautious that you hinder your own attempts at developing a new bond?

* Would you be willing to consider the possibility that something in you - your thoughts, attitudes, feelings, reactions and behaviors - drive you to fail time and again (due to fears, needs, unfinished businesses and other factors that control you)?

* And other questions like these related to your own issues and relationship history.

3. Questions related to your thoughts, feelings, attitude, reactions and behaviors

* How do you usually feel about what your partner says or does (for example: always agree, always disagree, and so on)?

* Which thoughts usually go through your mind while you interact with your partner (such as: "Am I smart enough?"; "Do I make myself clear?"; "Does my partner appreciate me?" and so on).

* Can you tell what your reactions and behaviors say about what kind of a person you are (for example: aggressive; submissive; a victim; shy; introvert; extrovert; honest; stingy; secure; independent; dependent; cautious; open; and so on)?

* What is your attitude when approaching dating, relationships and the other sex (for example: positive; negative; suspicion; mistrust; hope; and so on)?

* Are you often satisfied with the ways in which you handle yourself with dates and relationships? If yes, how do you explain your failures?

* If you are not satisfied with the ways in which you handle yourself with dates and relationships:

- How do you explain that?

- How would you like to handle yourself?

- What do you think stands in your way from adapting these ways?

4. Questions about factors that control you

If you have answered the previous 3 sets of questions you may be ready for this fourth set. It calls for a higher level of Self-Awareness, and deals with uttermost important issues which cause you too sabotage your relationships.

* Can you identify any fears which drive your thoughts, feelings, attitude, reactions and behaviors (such as: the fear of being alone; the fear of commitment; the fear of being hurt; the fear of abandonment)? Which of these fears discouraged you from having a relationship, or controlled you when having one? Have any of these driven you to jump from one relationship to another?

* Can you identify any needs which exert power over your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, reactions and behaviors (such as: the need for independence, the need to receive constant love and approval, the need for control)?

* Can you identify any expectations and fantasies you hold on to about partners and relationships? Thinking these over, do you think they are realistic? Have they ever harmed your relationships when not being fulfilled, by causing frictions, arguments, disappointments?

* Can you identify the attitude you usually have about partners and relationships (and towards the other sex in general)? Can you realize how it is being expressed in your reactions and behaviors?

* Can you identify which thoughts, feelings, attitude, reactions and behaviors repeat themselves throughout all your interactions?

* Can you identify any other issues which are unique to you which affect your thoughts, feelings, attitude, reactions and behaviors and hurt you constantly?

Asking questions: Summary

Questions well-phrased enable you to observe yourself carefully and come up with answers which will give you insights into the ways in which you sabotage your relationships. By doing so you develop your Self-Awareness and become able to:

* See, understand and acknowledge your automatic patterns of thinking, feeling, reacting and behaving;

* See, understand and acknowledge the factors you haven't been aware of until now which control you and drive you to hang-on to these automatic patterns (such as fears and needs, unrealistic expectations and fantasies, messages you internalized);

* Realize the ways in which you have harmed your relationships.

* De-activate the power these factors have exerted over you;

* Become able to consciously choose to think, feel, react and behave otherwise; and

* Become empowered to develop and maintain a successful intimate relationship.

The questions listed above are intended to give you a "head start" as you begin to develop your Self-Awareness. The more you'll come up with questions related to your own relationships' issues and experiences, the more helpful insights you will gain about the ways in which you have harmed your relationships until now.

Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. He is the author of more than 100 articles on the subject and of: "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship". Available as eBook and paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relationship/dp/143925141X/

More on Dr. Gil, his book and articles: http://self-awareness-and-relationships.blogspot.com