Love and Friendship - Validation Or More of the Same

Recently, a long time friend told me that her new psychotherapist had given her a diagnosis based upon her symptoms. At first, she was actually excited to be able to put a label on her experiences. She felt heard and understood and validated. But she didn't stop there. She went online to research the definition, accompanying symptoms, and treatment potential for this psychological diagnosis. Upon hearing the specific diagnosis, my immediate thought was, "Right, that diagnosis really fits with her erratic behavior and hypersensitive reaction to other people's words and actions."

A few days later, my friend left me a frantic phone message asking me to please call her because she was really upset about that therapist's diagnosis of her. She also sent me a very long email delineating and refuting, in detail, each and every criterion and symptom. I called her immediately and listened while she questioned, explained and offered many explanations for why this diagnosis was not accurate and how she had been misjudged and invalidated, again. My first thought was, "The lady doth protest too much!"

Then my friend asked, "Do you think this diagnosis fits me?" My knee-jerk response would have been to cite the numerous examples of situations that I had personally experienced with her in which she did behave in ways that did fit the criteria for this diagnosis. But I stopped myself from speaking and thought for a moment: "This is my friend. She has told me over and over again how she has always felt invalidated - by her family, friends, boyfriends, and others. What is she really asking me for? What does she really want from me?"

Validation! Acceptance! Love! Compassion! Understanding! Gentleness! Caring!
That's what my friend was asking for from her long time friend. She was not asking me to tell her that the therapist is correct and she is wrong. She was not asking me to help her to see all the ways she has consistently fit the criteria of that diagnosis.

My friend has had lots and lots of validation that she is wrong, she is unworthy, she should change something about herself, and she should not speak up to defend herself. During that phone call, my friend was in one of her most vulnerable moments, a moment when she was trying to validate her own self and explain all the ways that she was healthy rather than unhealthy.

In the name of friendship, I could have spoken before thinking and reminded her of all the times she has behaved in ways that fit that diagnosis. The result: I would have been one more person invalidating someone I supposedly care about and love.

Think about it. What is the purpose of love and friendship? Are we here to be our best friend's teacher or our lover's psychotherapist? Are we here to prove that we are right, that we know what is best for someone else? Are we here to validate the experts and strangers while invalidating the vulnerable person who is closest to us?

True friendship and true love, I believe, is a state of total acceptance of the other person? When your friend, your lover, or your spouse upsets you, try saying to your self, "He is a perfect Charley, no matter what he does, because what he does reflects Charley's way of being." "She is a perfect Carol, no matter what she does, because what she does reflect's Carol's way of being."

Then, the choice is yours. Do you truly love this person? Can you accept this person exactly the way he or she is? If not, if you really believe that this other person needs to change before you can accept him or her, then maybe you should part ways. It is not up to you whether another person should or should not change. It is always that person's choice. Your choice is whether or not you can accept that person "as is" and focus your attention on altering your own attitudes and behavior. As you shift your focus back onto your own self, you might be delightfully surprised by a shift in the other person. If not, just keep focusing on your own perspective and then decide what is right for you.

Dr. Erica Goodstone has helped thousands of men, women, couples, and groups to develop greater awareness of the issues in their relationships and their lives, to overcome and alleviate stressors and discords, and revitalize their relationships and their own mind-body-spirit connection. Dr. Goodstone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Licensed Marriage Therapist and Board Certified Sex Therapist. Former professor of health and physical education for over two decades, Dr. Goodstone taught courses in health education and alternative approaches, stress management, yoga (including relaxation, breathing, meditation, guided imagery, chanting, hatha yoga postures, and yogic nutrition), as well as many different physical activity and dance courses. In addition, she has trained in various body therapy methods and somatic body psychotherapy (combining talk with touch). Her main methods are The Rubenfeld Synergy Method, Polarity Therapy, and Somatoemotional Release. Dr. Goodstone can be contacted through her web sites at http://www.DrEricaWellness.com and http://www.sexualreawakening.com