There are many kinds of love, but what this article is concerned with is that form of love usually known as 'romantic love' or 'true love'. So what is romantic love and why do we need to define it?

Quite often we come across the scenario that a man or woman in a relationship is asking him or herself the question: "Is it love?" So, how can someone tell? Then there is another scenario, sometimes used in Hollywood movies as a plot device, wherein somebody doesn't actually believe in romantic love -- in its actual existence -- and so is willing to settle for something much less... until the right man or woman comes along, of course!

Then again, there is the phenomenon of so-called "love at first sight". Is this emotion that appears in a single moment something that a couple can base a lifelong commitment upon?

Here are my own views on the question of what is love, based on my life's experiences.

Firstly, "love at first sight". All the time we see other people who we find attractive. Some of them are more attractive than others. Some of them are very attractive indeed. If we see someone who falls into the latter group, and there are also other things about the person that makes him or her appear as a possible partner (for the human mind is very good at making judgments like this in a split-second, based on factors such as clothing style, what the other person is doing at the time, context and so on) then this combination of emotionally powerful components can be so strong as to qualify as "love at first sight".

There are many couples whose relationship has begun in this way, but mere physical attraction, however strong, is not enough in itself to provide a basis for a lifelong relationship. This brings us on to the real heart of the question "what is love" -- what is it that enables us to have a long-term, even lifelong, relationship with another human being?

It certainly can begin with attraction of the "love at first sight" kind, or something approaching that in intensity, though with some love relationships physical attraction is not the catalyst to start them into life. But from whatever basis a relationship begins -- physical attraction or friendship or other circumstances -- if the relationship is to continue and the individuals concerned are not to "fall out of love", they must find each other's personalities delightful. If you "fall in love at first sight" with someone whose personal habits -- you subsequently discover -- start to irritate you, and whose views and opinions annoy you, then you will quickly find yourself falling out of love. So, you must like the other person very much as a person. And, the feeling must be mutual, of course.

Once you have attraction, followed by a mutual liking of personalities, this then leads to a deep friendship, a friendship that becomes deepened by sexuality. It becomes a friendship to beat all other friendships and relationships, and a closeness greater than any experienced before.

And that's really all there is to it, the deepest kind of friendship that began as physical attraction and moved on to a closeness greater than any other in the lives of the people concerned. It's romantic love. And it is something that, with careful nurturing, can last a lifetime.

Resources: Find out how to find your true love at Single Dating Help, and learn how to use the personals effectively at Internet Personals Sites. Get a free ebook on love and relationships here: Free Ebook about Online Dating. You have permission to use this article in your web site, blog or ezine but only if you make no changes: to comply with copyright all html links must be active and spider-able, and anchor texts must be kept as is.

Recently, a long time friend told me that her new psychotherapist had given her a diagnosis based upon her symptoms. At first, she was actually excited to be able to put a label on her experiences. She felt heard and understood and validated. But she didn't stop there. She went online to research the definition, accompanying symptoms, and treatment potential for this psychological diagnosis. Upon hearing the specific diagnosis, my immediate thought was, "Right, that diagnosis really fits with her erratic behavior and hypersensitive reaction to other people's words and actions."

A few days later, my friend left me a frantic phone message asking me to please call her because she was really upset about that therapist's diagnosis of her. She also sent me a very long email delineating and refuting, in detail, each and every criterion and symptom. I called her immediately and listened while she questioned, explained and offered many explanations for why this diagnosis was not accurate and how she had been misjudged and invalidated, again. My first thought was, "The lady doth protest too much!"

Then my friend asked, "Do you think this diagnosis fits me?" My knee-jerk response would have been to cite the numerous examples of situations that I had personally experienced with her in which she did behave in ways that did fit the criteria for this diagnosis. But I stopped myself from speaking and thought for a moment: "This is my friend. She has told me over and over again how she has always felt invalidated - by her family, friends, boyfriends, and others. What is she really asking me for? What does she really want from me?"

Validation! Acceptance! Love! Compassion! Understanding! Gentleness! Caring!
That's what my friend was asking for from her long time friend. She was not asking me to tell her that the therapist is correct and she is wrong. She was not asking me to help her to see all the ways she has consistently fit the criteria of that diagnosis.

My friend has had lots and lots of validation that she is wrong, she is unworthy, she should change something about herself, and she should not speak up to defend herself. During that phone call, my friend was in one of her most vulnerable moments, a moment when she was trying to validate her own self and explain all the ways that she was healthy rather than unhealthy.

In the name of friendship, I could have spoken before thinking and reminded her of all the times she has behaved in ways that fit that diagnosis. The result: I would have been one more person invalidating someone I supposedly care about and love.

Think about it. What is the purpose of love and friendship? Are we here to be our best friend's teacher or our lover's psychotherapist? Are we here to prove that we are right, that we know what is best for someone else? Are we here to validate the experts and strangers while invalidating the vulnerable person who is closest to us?

True friendship and true love, I believe, is a state of total acceptance of the other person? When your friend, your lover, or your spouse upsets you, try saying to your self, "He is a perfect Charley, no matter what he does, because what he does reflects Charley's way of being." "She is a perfect Carol, no matter what she does, because what she does reflect's Carol's way of being."

Then, the choice is yours. Do you truly love this person? Can you accept this person exactly the way he or she is? If not, if you really believe that this other person needs to change before you can accept him or her, then maybe you should part ways. It is not up to you whether another person should or should not change. It is always that person's choice. Your choice is whether or not you can accept that person "as is" and focus your attention on altering your own attitudes and behavior. As you shift your focus back onto your own self, you might be delightfully surprised by a shift in the other person. If not, just keep focusing on your own perspective and then decide what is right for you.

Dr. Erica Goodstone has helped thousands of men, women, couples, and groups to develop greater awareness of the issues in their relationships and their lives, to overcome and alleviate stressors and discords, and revitalize their relationships and their own mind-body-spirit connection. Dr. Goodstone is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Licensed Marriage Therapist and Board Certified Sex Therapist. Former professor of health and physical education for over two decades, Dr. Goodstone taught courses in health education and alternative approaches, stress management, yoga (including relaxation, breathing, meditation, guided imagery, chanting, hatha yoga postures, and yogic nutrition), as well as many different physical activity and dance courses. In addition, she has trained in various body therapy methods and somatic body psychotherapy (combining talk with touch). Her main methods are The Rubenfeld Synergy Method, Polarity Therapy, and Somatoemotional Release. Dr. Goodstone can be contacted through her web sites at http://www.DrEricaWellness.com and http://www.sexualreawakening.com